When It’s My Time

Photo by Aron Visuals

Curiosity And Questions

This morning when I was taking a quiet morning walk, “When It’s My Time” by Rodney Atkins played. It tells a story of a man late for work pulling to the side of the road as a funeral procession was coming through. It seemed to be going on for such a long time until he had the realization that whomever had passed was going to be missed for a long time.
This took me back to the memories of Erik’s passing. At the memorial service and when those that reached out to us during that time at home, there was such a cocktail of energies that I felt from others. There were those that loved him and missed him, those that didn’t understand how he could leave his wife and children that way, those that felt guilt over the way they had treated him, and those that were just curious and wanted to know more about what happened. I could keep going, but I feel like this paints the picture.

It wasn’t long before discussions began to happen with my children as to what I would want after my passing. There was the action to get a will in place especially as most of my children were minors at that time. Being caught up in my grief, I had a lot of anger toward some who seemingly (to me) went out of their way to make Erik’s and our family’s lives difficult. I told my kids that I wanted to be cremated; all except my ass. I wanted it preserved and for them to throw a “Kiss My Ass” party that would be by invitation only. I wanted each of those invited individuals to receive a letter as to why I request they kiss my ass. For all others, I wanted a celebration of life with a lot of dancing and laughing.

Looking For The Light

As time has passed, I have learned to settle into my heart more and have come to the awareness and realization that I believe everyone is doing the best they can in every moment. I don’t understand why some people do the things they do. As I continue to work through my healing, I gain more hope and settle into peace. I believe that it is important that I don’t seek to understand why people do the things they do. It is none of my business; it is not my worry.  If I join them in that place, then I would be doing the things that others have done to me that have caused me pain. I have learned and noticed in my life that the more I have let go of hurt and resentment towards others and shifted my attention to putting my energy into the things that I want in my life and my experience, it has brought me to a place of greater peace and happiness. It has also brought into my experiences much more healthy relationships and interactions with others; dynamics of unconditional love and support. I am surrounded by people who support and lift me up in encouragement to be the highest version of myself in Love while they allow and accept me to do the same for them.

As the song continues, this man follows the last car to the church because his curiosity was piqued and he wanted to see “what kind of life could cause such a traffic jam”. As he listened and watched people laugh and cry, he was easily able to understand why every pew was full and there were a lot of people this deceased man had touched and were better for knowing him. He, at that point, recognized that just by being there, he was now one of these people that were better for getting to know him. The chorus states: “When it’s my time to go, the end of my road, I hope it looks like this. Two hundred cars, stretched out as far as the hearts I touched while I lived.” He now has a wish that he will leave half as much love behind as this man did. He then feels a hand on his back and someone asked him if he knew the man well and he said, “Well enough…”

Always Be Around

I have loved this song from the first time I listened to it, for different reasons. I believe that every single person is important and has beautiful and wonderful gifts to offer to the world. No matter if someone comes into my life for my whole life, a long time, a short time or a moment, the effects are profound. Then there are those that have touched my life through others like this song speaks of. There are the books I read, movies and shows I watch and music I hear. The list truly goes on and on. The tapestry of my life and the tapestry of Creation is woven this way in my mind. Every part of Creation is so loved and so blessed.

Now, my desire is that when my journey here is through that there is a celebration of life in the Light of Love; a lot of laughing and dancing and that those left here will open up their hearts to know that I am not gone, I still walk with them and always will as long as they want me to.

A Tip That Has Helped Me:

Have you ever heard that when you see something that you don’t like in someone it is because it is a reflection of something that you don’t like in yourself? I have heard that and mostly have always had the mindset of always looking inside of myself so I can be aware and put the effort into doing better and being better. It has only been within the last few years that I started to become aware of the opposite also being true. When I recognize something I admire in another, it is because it is also in myself. I have been putting my energy into looking for the good in others and then spending time being grateful to myself for having that quality. This is helping me to love myself more and better along with doing the same with others. I am enjoying the world through more clear eyes.