Gossip

Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust

Caught Up In Confusion

Lately, I have been getting annoyed with all the gossip that I have been hearing; things that others buy into because of what they hear others saying. I got really worked up about things that were being talked about and spread about people I love. In my Life Coach training, one thing that I learned is that when something bothers me, it is a call for attention inside myself. Alan Cohen says something like this, “The things other people say will not bother you unless there is a part of you that agrees with them.” This gave me the opportunity to look inside myself and think honestly.

I realized that I also had been getting caught up in shit talking others. I have realized that when elections roll around, this is something that I can easily fall back into. Then something else happened. I was taken back to a time almost twelve years ago; months after my brother Dan took his life, “See You Again” by Carrie Underwood played while I was driving. I had to pull over because it hit me so hard. I sat there in my car and just cried as long as I needed to. I knew that Dan was there with me and he just wanted me to know how much he loves and appreciates me.

This song played again this morning, Dan has been coming up into my awareness very strongly lately. I believe he is reminding me just how much damage gossip can do to a person.

Desperately Searching For Solace

Dan came home when he was going through some really hard things in his life. He came home to try and find some peace and solace. There were a lot of people that he admired and had helped him growing up. His son would soon be born and he wanted more than anything to figure out his life and to love him; be a good father to him and be an example of what a good man is for his son.

Unfortunately, there was a lot of hateful gossip that was being spread about him. A lot of things that were flat out lies and other words that were severely twisted. So, when Dan went to some of the people in the area that he had admired and had great experiences with in the past; those that were loving and supportive of him, they turned him away. They believed the lies that were being spread about him and chose to shun him.

He then lost hope and he couldn’t see a way out. It was heartbreaking to him that people that knew him his whole life would believe so easily the things that were being said about him. Even worse, why wouldn’t they be willing to help him?

Fighting To Stay

Just a few days before his suicide, he had a counseling session and made an appointment for another; he talked to me about it the day after. He told me the things that had happened recently and was asking for my advice in how to move forward. I encouraged him in the steps he was taking. He refused medication at this point because side effects that he had experienced in the past after trying previous prescribed medications were too much for him. I told him mostly it would just take time and to keep doing what he was doing.

Much of the family was loving and supportive of Dan. There was, however, a lot of advice and opinions that overwhelmed him. He also felt guilt for his aversion to some of the advice that some were adamant about him following. Family members did have a lot of good intentions and desperation to help him feel better and break out of the darkness he was living in; we encouraged him and told him we love him. However, sometimes it doesn’t feel real unless others outside of family can see and are willing to say them to the person.

I have heard a lot of very harsh judgments about those that commit suicide and it makes my heart very sad every time. I have heard people say it is the cowards way; it’s selfish, the judgments go on and on and on. What I see is that someone was in so much pain and it makes me sad that someone ever gets to the point that they feel that the world would be better off without them in it.

One of the symbols of suicide awareness is a semicolon. This is a reminder to pause; this is just a moment, my story isn’t over yet. When I got my semicolon tattoo, I had it set in a puddle of tears; tears for those that felt suicide was their only option left, and tears for those of us left behind. When I look at this tattoo, it reminds me to be kind. I never know what another person is going through.

Finding Hope In A Hopeless Place

Gossip had a big hand in the hopeless place my brother found himself in. I believe Dan sent me this song today to remind me to leave gossip alone. I have enough going in my life and my energy is best spent on keeping my energy in my own lane. It is not my worry or concern the things others are saying or doing; using my energy to wonder and worry about it is a complete and utter waste of time and energy.

When Dan was happy and doing well when he was still here, he was so fun. He loved to come over to my house and play with the kids and really enjoyed the things I cooked and baked. He would tease the kids and keep them from their chores sometimes, then they would get in trouble and he would snicker because they would tell me that Dan distracted them. I would tell them that they made the choice and that they received the consequences; he did too because then I would tell him it was time to go.

At his memorial, one of my kids shared a memory about a time when he drove them from the house we were living in at the time, to my parent’s house, where he was living, in reverse the whole way. I never knew that until then. We live in a small town so it isn’t a huge risk and easy to do it safely. However, if I would have known at the time, I would not have been happy. In the moment I heard that story, it just made me smile and happy that they had that memory with him.

I have a lot of great memories of Dan’s smile, laugh, and mischievousness. He and I got the same mischievous gene and one of my sons is very similar in that way also. Today, I am thankful that he started my day with reminding me to take a step back and remember what is important. To choose to keep my energy in my own lane and to choose Love; always choose Love, every moment of every day—this is my key to a happy life. Choosing love and light is how I can honor him.

A Tip That Has Helped Me:

After Dan’s death when someone would start to repeat gossip about someone to me, I would ask them not to tell me. For some reason, this made the individuals more determined to share with me what they had heard or thought they knew. So, I tried something different. When someone shared something “juicy” about another person, I would just tell them something that I admired about the person they were talking about. This helped tremendously and others stopped sharing gossip with me. Now when I hear something, I take the time to offer loving and supportive prayers to the person because ultimately I believe when a person is acting out in what looks to be concerning ways, they need loving support more than anything else.