Signs

Photo by Marcelo Quinan

Fearful Thoughts

After Erik passed, it hurt so bad. When I was alone, all I could think about was all of the things I wished I would’ve done differently. There was a thought that kept coming to me … ”He is still with you protecting you and he sees things clearly, in Love. He knows how much you love him, let him show you how much he loves you.” I wanted to believe this so badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it at that time. The fear / question that kept coming from my logical mind is that if he loves me so much, then why did he choose to leave me?

When I would talk to the kids, I would tell them that their dad was still with them. I believed that he had been blessed with something that he couldn’t do here. He hated being away from the kids and I because he couldn’t protect us and now he could be with us everywhere, all at once. I talked about how lucky we were to have him with us all the time to help us in whatever way we needed. I have heard an author I love, Alan Cohen, say, “Faith it until you make it.” I wanted to believe what I was telling the kids, and I did about the kids. However, when it came to myself, I was beating myself up constantly for all of my regrets; all of the things I knew I could have done differently.

A Plea To My Late Husband

Usually I worked from 6 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. One day I had to work a later shift and when I was driving to work, it had been particularly difficult that morning; I think because I had quite a few waking hours alone before I went to work so my mind was doing what it did back then, beating me up. Usually, I would make a silent plea to Erik and ask him to feel his love. Whenever I did this, I would have a strong sense of comfort wash over and through me. That didn’t happen this time. Of course, I surmised that he left me and he indeed didn’t love me anymore and it was done.

Work was where I felt the best because I had so much to do, I could concentrate on my work and not beat myself up or wallow. On the way home, it was already dark. I asked Erik again and still nothing. I began sobbing and speaking out loud to Erik as I drove. This is what I said, “I understand that you don’t love me and don’t want anything to do with me. That is fine, I get it. But, I am begging you, don’t do that to the kids.” Then I proceeded to tell him how much the kids were struggling with his suicide. I was just laying it all out there. Then an overwhelming feeling came over me; so much love and comfort, more than I had ever felt before.

Comforting Signs

Something that I used to get so upset at Erik for when he was here was that when he did something wrong, he would apologize over and over for it and I would tell him that one apology was enough. I would get mad at him for beating himself up; ask him to let it go. Because with his apologies came the actions to show he was determined to do better and be better. What he told me that night was to practice what I preach. He let me know unequivocally that he so loves and appreciates my apologies and even though we both know we could have done things differently, it wasn’t going to do anybody any good for me to just keep beating myself up. He also let me know that it was important for me to be honest about how his choice affects me. I would need to do this so I could process through my experience.

You see, Erik was one of the most authentic people that I have ever known. I am sure that much of that has to do with the relationship we had when he was here. I knew him and he knew me. He really saw me, all of me and still loved me anyway. And I really saw him and still loved him anyway also.

I love this song, “Spaceship” by Daughtry. Some of the experiences I had with Erik when he was here taught me that there is a connection to creation as a Whole. He would talk to me about some of his experiences and they blew my mind. Eventually, I allowed myself to be open to some of my own. It started with my two brothers that had passed. I will talk more about those experiences in later posts. We are all connected and since I have open myself up to believing and allowing this into my life, my healing journey has been full of the blessing of Love that has brought so much light and peace into my life.

Self-blame is mentioned in this song and it resonated strongly with me back then. Even now, it still hits me in the heart when I hear it because I know there are plenty of things I could have done that would have made a difference. However, these other lines are what helped me have hope and open myself to the experiences; even though it used to feel like wishful thinking to believe that I was getting messages from my loved ones. It doesn’t anymore. Now it is fun for me. Once I started getting the signs that I just couldn’t deny, I couldn’t stop asking and it helped me have hope and got more smiles from me.

Moving Forward With Faith

It took me a long time to be brave enough to talk about and share any of these experiences. For one reason, I felt crazy, like it was wishful thinking. The other was that I didn’t want anyone to try and convince me that it was crazy and not real. When I was waking up one morning, the smell of Erik after he took his showers in the morning and opened the bathroom door wafted and filled my senses. It is still one of my favorite smells. It was so strong that I just smiled. It didn’t come with a sense of sadness this time. There were plenty of times that I had something happen that I would be back in the times when Erik was still here. For that split second I would forget, then the realization would hit that he was gone and the grief of him being gone would hit me again. Not this time; it came with a sense of happiness and gratitude that he was with me; now, always, and forever. I lay there in bed being present in that moment and letting myself feel it, know it, and sink into every part of me.

I love the signs that my loved ones that have passed send me. Eventually I began talking to others about these experiences and I found that plenty of people were more than happy to share experiences of their own that were similar. Something I have learned is that when I get the things out that are inside of me; that bother me, it shines light on them and I am able to gain clarity and understanding, then the healing gains traction and works inside of me.

A Tip That Has Helped Me:

When I see something or hear something that reminds me of one of my loved ones that have passed, I started writing them down. I wrote down who I felt and how it made me feel. This has helped me honor the presence of those that I love that have passed from this life and carry them with me in my heart while allowing them to live on with me and through me.