Thank Yourself
Photo by Matt Noble
Accepting Gratitude As A Giver
Something that has been tugging at me for awhile now is to receive the thanks for the good things that I do; this can be quite difficult for me. I’m not sure why that is, but it is just so much easier to look back on all the things I wish I would have done differently, or how I could have handled some situations better.
About six months before my late husband, Erik, passed, I had the awareness brought to me that I never know when the last moment with my loved ones will be; that is why I should treat every moment like it is the last. This slapped me in the face after I lost my brother Dan. While I am grateful that my last exchange with him was loving, my mind still wants to bring me back to the regrets over other moments I shared with him, and how I wish I would have approached them differently.
Life Changing Love
The last time I physically saw Erik, I was mad at him and did not treat him with my usual warmth. My actions still haunt me; I can spend a lot of time in the past, rationalizing and beating myself up for reverting back to old Lynette, and choosing to act out of fear. If I would have treated him differently that last time I saw him, he would still be here, of this I am sure.
However, I see and feel Erik on his knees, begging me to forgive myself and be honest about the things that I did right. So, I feel it is important now to express to the world the things that he told me he was thankful for.
You see, Erik was born into a family with many odds stacked against him. Without going into details, because I feel like every person is always doing the best they can given the experiences they have been through, I will give a little exposition on his upbringing. Because of circumstances and the lens he looked through, he never felt wanted or loved. He had spent his life wondering time after time, why God sent him into this world to a place that he was not wanted.
Erik’s struggle with feeling wanted or loved started to lessen once we met. Spending time together was a surreal experience for both of us. I had never had someone see and accept me just the way I was. We felt completely comfortable with each other; there was nothing we shared that made us think less of the other. This was the first time that we had both experienced unconditional love and acceptance from someone.
Labor of Love
Erik felt the most amount of peace in the world when he was with me. Something about my physical presence calmed and quieted the fear inside of him; in all the ways they manifested to him. I saw him, all of him and loved him more every day. When he was angry, all I had to do was gently put my hand on the side of his face, and the anger would leave him instantly.
I went out of my way to cook and bake the foods that he loved. I took care of things at home so he could rest and relax when he came home from work. I got up early to make him breakfast and pack his lunch before work. I listened to him so I could understand him and walk by his side; I always worked to support and love him unconditionally. I didn’t try to fix him, because there was nothing wrong with him. He garnered glimpses of his true self when he looked into my eyes. I did all of these things because I was so grateful that everything was right in my world because of Erik; he gave me an unwavering sense of safety and security.
Changing My Perspective
Yes, I was acting like an ice queen the last time I saw him, but, I sent him an email that explained to him what was going on with me at that time. I told him how much I love him and appreciate him in this email. The last thing I said on the phone to him the morning he passed, was that I love him.
The truth is, when I am honest with myself, I understand that I do so many good things. The good things I have done, far outweigh the regretful things I have done; I am a good and loving person. His birthday passed less than a week ago; he would have been 45 years old. I feel him with me all the time and that is helpful, however, sometimes it feels like too much to bear, to think of continuing to live in this life for so many more years without him physically. I believe he sent me this song to remind me of all of the great people I still get to experience this physical world with. I know that with every breathe I take, I am so very blessed to live this life.
A Tip That Has Helped Me:
I have heard other say many times that we are all unique and we each have gifts that only each of us can share. I believe this with every single part of who I am! It still isn’t always easy for me to do, but I always feel better when I do it; sit down and write the good things about myself, to acknowledge the light and goodness I bring into the world. I hope that you will see the beauty and goodness in yourself. You are amazing and wonderful! There is only one of you, only one person that can offer the unique gifts that you bring into this world! I hope you will look inside yourself and list all of the beautiful qualities and gifts you have to give to others.
