Motherhood
Photo by Lynette Garden
Finding Faith In Myself
The picture above was taken a few months after the one year anniversary of Erik’s passing. For some reason, somewhere inside of me, I thought that something would happen at, or around the year mark and it would be somehow easier for me with this anniversary. Instead, it became much harder. I found myself hurting like I had never hurt before. It was very difficult for me because when this happened, the logical part of my brain was telling me that this was my destiny, it would continue to get worse and worse.
My oldest was back at home with us at this time. She left for the military only two months after her dad’s death, and this was the first time we had all been together again since she left. I was in a personal crisis and convinced that I was poison and that the people I love would keep killing themselves. During her visit, I broke down and made a plan to turn over custody of my children to protect them. I wanted them to thrive and be happy. I told them this and they pleaded with me to realize and accept that I was who they needed and wanted to be with.
During her visit, we went out with the camera and tripod to take pictures. Shortly after this visit, I got very sick. Something happened during that time and I felt the darkness lift. It was the beginning of me believing and accepting that there was nothing wrong with me. That dark cloud hanging over me began to break and I began to allow the light in more. This was a great day, and we had a lot of fun. We remembered to laugh, smile, and be goofy with the pictures we took of each other.
Stop And Smell The Roses
I love the music of Firehouse, and the song “Hold the Dream” has been a staple in my life since I first heard it—shortly after I left home for college. The message sunk deep into my heart and has consciously and unconsciously helped to keep me going.
I believe that when there is something inside of a person that comes with a knowing and/or passion, that it is because it is calling to them. There have been a handful of things that resonated strongly with me, and motherhood has always been one of them. It has been, and continues to be something that has brought me the greatest amount of joy in my life.
When I was attending a class for my Human Resources training, one night, the instructor asked us who our hero was. Students began to raise their hands, and something made me raise my hand. I really didn’t want to because my answer was so far from the answers that everyone else was giving; they were naming people that are very accomplished in the business world. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal to give my answer, because every time she called on someone and they offered a name, there were nods of approval and no explanations needed. From one person to the next, this continued to happen. She called on me and I said, “my kids”. That made her stop and ask me why. I started shaking and could feel my face turn red, but I gave my answer: “Because they are loving, forgiving, accepting and they stop and appreciate the simple joys in life. They constantly remind me what is really important and to never stop doing those things.”
I personally needed these reminders; I got caught up easily in the weight of responsibility in adulthood, motherhood, and being a wife along with all the other roles I was playing. My kids were constant reminders to stop and slow down so I wouldn’t become so overwhelmed.
Learning To Let Go
When I decided to take the life coaching course, my number one purpose was to love, support, and encourage my children to live the message of this song. Giving advice and warnings had come so naturally and quickly to me. I thought this was part of my responsibility as a loving and caring mother. Because of this course, I am much better about listening and not giving feedback unless my children ask for it. Instead, I have conversations with them and ask them questions, I listen as they speak and encourage them to vocalize to me what their intuition is saying to them.
Not long ago, someone told me that it was no wonder that my kids and I have such close relationships. She asked me if I pulled them closer to me after Erik passed. I told her that I actually had to learn to do just the opposite. I had to learn how to let go and not seek to protect them, instead help them see the amazing and wonderful individuals they are, and all they have to offer. I knew that if I could practice the techniques and lessons I learned in my course with my children, that I could do it with anyone.
The reason I love what I have learned, and do as a Holistic Life Coach, is because it fosters the truths that every person has every answer inside of them, that they need or want, at any and all moments of time. It is a great honor and gift to be able to watch and hear the beautiful answers that people I interact with, come to for themselves and to be the cheerleader that I love to be.
A Tip That Has Helped Me:
Something that helps me every time is to regularly go outside and spend time looking around me to see the beauty that is everywhere. Sometimes I do this during the day and look up at the sky and just look at all the clouds. Other times I watch the birds and all of their shenanigans. I also love to go outside at night and look up at the night sky. I am lucky enough to live close to the mountains so it is easy for me to take a peaceful drive through the mountains and stop and take a walk in the quiet splendor of Creation. Doing these things helps keep me grounded in so many ways and if I have worries niggling at me, they just don’t seem all the big and important anymore when I do this.
