Judgements
Photo by Hansjörg Keller
Some People Say…
Today when I heard this song, it took me back to a walk I took one day with one of my kids. The kids and I were finding sunshine through the clouds finally. My son asked me how I feel when I hear the mean things said about me. I didn’t even have to think about it. I told him that it has been happening to me my whole life, I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about it anymore. Then I said something like this, “What I have learned is that because I do my best to mind my business and live my life; I don’t talk to very many people about what I go through. I have found that if someone doesn’t talk about their problems, other people do. People are curious; according to the rumors that have been spread about me, I have lived a much more “exciting” life than my reality.
It has been hurtful to me many times that when rumors are spread, others are quick to believe and spread them. In the church that we were a part of for most of our marriage, Erik and I were asked to speak. Erik was known to swear, and it wasn’t uncommon for us when driving up in the church parking lot, to be listening to music loudly that was viewed as wicked. During the main Sunday meetings, members of the congregation were asked to speak; it was common to ask a married couple to give talks on a specific subject; so they would speak one after the other. Erik was given the subject “language” and I was given the subject “music”.
An Important Message
When giving a talk in church, we were to study church materials and speak on what the church teaches about the subject. The week that Erik and I were preparing and studying to put our talks together, he told me that the first thing he did was go and research quotes by J. Golden Kimball. He was known as the “swearing apostle” in the history of the church. I laughed and encouraged him. He then told me that his mind was taking him in a different direction than speaking about appropriate language by church standards and that if he followed where his instincts were taking him, many would be offended. I told him that I felt like he should go with his intuition. He did.
When Erik spoke in church, he captivated the audience. It was amazing when I was up on the stand sitting and watching the congregation as he spoke. He always used “hell” or “damn” at least once. It was funny to watch the different reactions for one. He just had a way of speaking that drew people to him. What he ended up speaking about was gossip. He spoke about a time when he had begun smoking again because of stress. I knew about it, he had told me. It wasn’t long before someone mentioned it to me. Someone had seen him at work and told someone else. The gossip train got to me when someone finally asked me if Erik was okay because they had heard from someone two states away that he was smoking.
Next he spoke about the time when his seizures started. He collapsed at work one night; staggering, slurring, and speaking unintelligibly. At first, they thought he was drunk or on drugs. He collapsed and had a seizure. When they checked his blood pressure, it was dangerously high almost 300 over almost 200. The EMS crew got him loaded in the ambulance and had the defibrillator ready to go because it was scary and no one was sure what would happen. They got him stabilized at the hospital and I brought him home afterwards.
The next day I received a phone call from someone offering me condolences because they heard that Erik had passed. I began to receive other calls and I was surprised to hear of the people that were telling others of Erik’s passing yet not calling me. While it was hurtful, unfortunately, I just wasn’t surprised, I had been through this same thing with members of the church ever since I was a teenager.
The local church leaders were a bit disappointed that Erik continued to swear and didn’t seem to get the underlying message they intended when they asked him to speak about “language”. The congregation was as quiet as I had ever heard them that day, even the children were so quiet.
Finding Positivity In Passive Aggression
As I walked with my son that day, I told him that ultimately, it doesn’t matter to me what other people say or think about me because people will jump on the gossip bandwagon and run with it; it is an opportunity to know who truly cares. I told him that I hadn’t shared my story with many, because ultimately, it is none of their business. I have shared bits and pieces as I have felt impressed to do so.
Inevitably, it has taught me to be loving and compassionate towards others. When I hear concerning talk about another, it prompts me to reach out to them to see if there is anything I can do to help them. When someone is acting “disturbingly” I see someone in pain and I really don’t want to add to their pain by spreading stories that I hear.
I also realized that every time I reach out and am kind to someone that is hurting, while I am offering them compassion, support and understanding in love, I am going back to offer myself those same things when I needed them most. I have learned that what I offer to others is what I am also giving to myself in those moments as well. I have spent way too much time in my life beating myself up. Now that I have decided to love myself, I am able to receive love in these moments, finally.
A Tip That Has Helped Me:
When someone brings up something I have done in my past to make fun of me or shame me, I use it as an opportunity to revisit the experience and acknowledge what I was going through at the time. I take some time to get quiet and calm and I go back and give myself Love by telling myself the things that I wish someone would have said to me at that time to give me hope and know that I am still a good person and worthy of Love and good things. I have found that I am now more comfortable in doing the same for others when I have conversations where others have had similar struggles to mine. It never ceases to amaze me the different interactions I get to have with others that are seemingly just out of the blue. It feels good to offer others love and support in their times of struggle.
