Returning To Me
Photo by Jan Kubita
Healing Power Of Music
One of my favorite things to do these days is to play my music as I go through my morning routine with the intention that I will be encouraged and impressed in some way by the songs that play. This morning, “Shape of My Heart” by Backstreet Boys played.
This took me back to a very emotional time. After my brother Dan took his life, when things had settled down a bit and there was not so much required of me, I spent a lot of time alone, lying in my bed. I had become mostly numb. I would lie there and belittle and berate myself. I was the most stubborn and strong person I knew. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make myself get up out of bed and do something … anything productive.
Craving Connection
I would lie there and allow my thoughts to beat me up sometimes. Other times I would watch movies to quiet the thoughts. The TV mounted on the wall was right by the bedroom window. The back addition to the house comes out creating a corner by the window. One day, a spider outside my window caught my eye. This spider hung out there for months. It would slowly lower down on a string of web. Sometimes it would just hang out and sometimes it seemed to be doing some acrobatics.
I felt connected to that spider and it made me smile. I would sit there and watch that spider for hours and then it would climb up and I couldn’t see it anymore. I didn’t take the time very often in my life to just sit and be present, but I did with this spider.
Eyes Wide Open
As I listened to this song this morning, I was taken back to this time and a blessed understanding came to me as to what was happening inside of me at that time. I had worked so hard to protect myself and I did that by withdrawing and disconnecting.
My whole life, I had been playing a part. The parts that I had accepted as were mine to play. I sought to please others and do things right in the eyes of those I gave authority to in my life. Mostly I was hoping and trying to please God by doing the things I should so I could be worthy to receive blessings and the His Love.
This time was when my true self was letting me know it was the time for me to see myself, love myself and be myself. This was really the beginning of the parts being shed that were not right or true for me.
It is intense for me to go back and remember and relive the painful moments. However, it feels good to understand what the pain was about and how it has helped me learn and grow and Return to ME. And, one of the greatest gifts for me is that I can feel it all and be thankful that I am no longer numb.
A Tip That Has Helped Me:
I have found that when I do something that I can do by muscle memory, that doesn’t take an in depth attention to; things like folding clothes or doing the dishes, sweeping and mopping; these were times I could practice being mindful, especially when I am alone and it is quiet. I started doing this by repeating positive phrases for myself over and over in my mind. This has helped me tremendously because then my mind wasn’t running off in all different directions with fearful and hateful thoughts. Now that I have practiced it a lot, I find that these times I often get epiphanies for myself. It has helped me live each moment in the present moment which I have found is a beautiful gift to me.
