This Isn’t The End
Photo By Alexander Grey
The Pain Of Suicide
The morning after my husband Erik passed, as I tried to gather my children for breakfast, none of them wanted to get out of bed or eat. As I stood there wondering how anything would ever be okay again, a loud thought came into my mind…” Your kids will ever only be as okay as you are.”
That is what drove my determination to be okay and have a desire to not only survive, but to thrive. As I have processed through my grief, which led to a processing of my life; I realized that I had never lived for myself. What a journey it has been to process through my life to get to know who I am.
You see, my husband took his life in 2016 and my brother four years before him in 2012. As my logical mind was trying to make sense of all of the why’s, the one fear was that there was something wrong with me and that is why people I loved kept killing themselves. The only explanation I could come up with is that I was poison and it would continue to happen.
A Reason To Live
I began to formulate a plan and have each of my kids sent away to live with others so they would be safe. As I opened these conversations with my children, they pleaded with me to believe that I was who they needed and wanted to live with.
When I realized that I had never lived for myself, I felt guilty. However, eventually, I began to be thankful that a reason to live is reason enough; it doesn’t matter what it is.
I wanted to heal, and opening up to a continued relationship with Erik is what has made the biggest difference for me. It took a few years after his passing for me to become truly open and trust that our relationship could still continue. The conversations have not been easy at times because we have talked about everything just like we did when he was here physically with me.
My Blessed Gift
This led to me doing the same with Dan, my youngest brother who also took his life. There were some intense conversations; especially the ones when they shared with me their torment they experienced living here which eventually led to the choice they made to take their lives. As time has continued, I have received much understanding and healing and I feel the same from them. After they passed, there was a lot of pain and suffering for them and for me. Now I feel how much happier they are; it has been healing for us all in miraculous ways.
One day while driving in my car, “The Reason” by Hoobastank came on the radio and it said perfectly the way I feel about these blessed relationships that are continuing on. Losing these amazing men in my life to suicide has not been easy; however, it has helped me to find out who I am and to love who I am.
A Tip That Has Helped Me:
Something that has helped me to move forward in my healing is to allow myself to feel what I am feeling in every moment. Most of my life, I had put my efforts into blocking out anything painful. In my mind, if I didn’t give it time or space, it wouldn’t grow. What I ended up finding was that pushing these feelings down just left them there for me to face and deal with later. Also, it caused me to become numb to not only painful emotions but all emotions. I learned that I couldn’t stop feeling the pain without also numbing my happiness. When I allow myself to feel what I am feeling and understand where it is coming from, it has helped me to process through it all and then it releases from me.
