Good Intentions

Photo by James Lee

To Hell And Back—And Back Again

I have heard it said many times that “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I have been thinking a lot about this lately—I have been to hell and back a few times. After my brother Dan took his life, I couldn’t stop walking down the cellar steps and seeing his body wrapped around that shotgun. I  would say that the aftermath of this experience for me was the first time I truly visited hell. Eventually, because I wanted to do better and be better, I worked my way out of the numbness back to feeling again. I hadn’t felt that much since before I could really remember.

Then, four years later, my husband took his life too. Because he shot himself in our car that we were still paying for, I had to get the police report for the insurance company to file a claim. I didn’t want to know the details, but I couldn’t stop myself from reading the report. I took my descent back into hell again, living in the space of all the things that I knew I could have done differently. I was sure that would have made a difference and he would still be here with the kids and I. I never thought it could get any worse than that—again….

Choosing Myself

I met a man; a wonderful and good man that I was sure God sent into my life. The spiritual experiences I had with him still feel surreal to me because things eventually ended up going so badly. I made the decision to leave because I was in a deeper, darker place than I had ever been; I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get anything right. Just when I would pick myself up and see some light, it seemed the rug would get pulled out from underneath me.

My kids were my reason to keep trying and keep going. Processing through these things, I realized that I had never lived for myself and never truly learned how to love myself. It was a rude awakening for me which filled me with much guilt and shame. Now, I am thankful because it doesn’t matter what my reason to live was, it kept me going and that is the important thing. I began to understand that no matter how bad it has gotten for me, it can always get worse. There is always a deeper and darker place that is waiting for me if that is what I choose. I was addicted to punishing myself. However, it also taught me that just as it can always get worse, it can always get better.

Learning To Live The Life I Choose

As I have put my energy and efforts into going inside myself to understand my want to punish myself, I have found that the further I separate myself from the Divine Nature of my true self, the more pain and darkness I will experience. I have wonderful parents and have had a good life with much happiness and many good experiences. However, I had spent my life taking on the expectations of others; working to a life of salvation as taught to me by others. I know with my whole heart that those people in my life that taught me were teaching me and encouraging me to live a life that they believed would bring me happiness. I was desperately chasing God’s Love. The harder I tried, the more I failed to live up to the expectations and rules that others told me would help me finally become worthy and righteous enough to live in God’s presence.

I had shaped my life to live according to the good intentions of others. I also wanted to please them and for them to be happy with me and proud of me. Their happiness is largely predicated on me (and all those they love) choosing to follow the path they feel is best. I chose to leave my lifelong religion. This was not easy for me because I was taught my whole life that when one leaves that religion, they are doomed to eternal damnation. My whole life had been shaped and formed around this religion and the majority of the people in my life were part of this religion. When I chose to leave, there was still a lot of fear in me as to the worry that what I was taught was true and I would be damning myself to hell. It has not been an easy road in a lot of ways but I felt like I could breathe again. It wasn’t until I gave up those good intentions and dared to believe that God loves me still. Now I know that when I choose to remember that God loves me no matter what, life just keeps getting better.

A Tip That Has Helped Me:

Something I find interesting is that there are times my kids have said something to me that has helped me so much and I have done the same for them. Sometimes one of us will bring up an instance and ask if the other remembers and many times they don’t. I believe that is when our angels, guides and loved ones are speaking through someone else for the benefit of the receiver. One day when I was talking to one of my kids, this child challenged me to write myself a letter from God because they felt it would help me a lot. It took me a very long time before I was able to write that letter. I felt like I was nobody and what right did I have to speak the words of God. Eventually I did it and the tears flowed down my face and I was filled with an amazing amount of Love, I knew that the words I was writing were from God and they were the words that I indeed most needed to know and hear at that time.