In My Dark Nights

Photo by Alexandr Titov

Bittersweet Moments

This time of year is full of a variety of conflicting emotions. November 10th of this year marked the 8th anniversary of my late husband, Erik’s, suicide. Erik passed a week after one of our kid’s birthday, and two weeks before another. The holidays can be a convenient distraction at times, but I also miss him being here with us during the holidays, and for the accomplishments that our children achieve as time goes by.

Something that we used to do as a family, was sit down regularly to talk about things that we wanted and needed. This goes back to our time in the religion we were part of for most of our marriage. In the church, once a week, Monday nights were set aside for family time. When we decided to part ways with the religion, we continued the practice of regularly meeting as a family. I think we were even more dedicated to doing this, because it was very strange to step away from practices that molded so much of our lives.

Embracing Family While Working Through The Hurt

Thinking back to November eight years ago, one of my children made a confession that was very hard to make. This child broke down and looked at her sibling that has the first birthday in November, and apologized for having a hard time wanting to be happy and celebrate the birthday. We were all very sad because the anniversary of Erik’s death was coming up, and that was the bulk of what was consuming all of us. I looked around at each of my children, and their heart break was so apparent.

There are times when a thought comes to me out of the blue; it isn’t from me. At that time, I didn’t know exactly where they came from, but they spoke something powerful to me for whatever it was that I was in need of. It is never fun for a loved one to pass on, however, the thought came to me to be grateful that Erik had passed during a time of celebration. I love to celebrate birthdays of those I love, because each person is a gift to this world. Shortly after two of my children’s birthdays, our family celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I spoke the thoughts that came to me about these things ,while also acknowledging and validating the feelings of sadness and grief that we were all feeling. All of the celebrations that came that following year, were surrounded by a lot of very intense emotions. We had times that we fought and were angry, times that we were very sad and cried, but we also had times that we laughed and had a lot of fun, when we allowed ourselves to celebrate. We had others reach out and pour out love and kindness to us as well.

Not Letting Logic Get In The Way

I love logic related tasks, and have spent most of my working life in bookkeeping and accounting jobs; tasks that make sense and are logical, please that part of my mind. Because logic is a part of my life that I have very much enjoyed, the logical part of my mind can cause confusion in my path moving forward.

At times, my logical brain still makes me wonder how Erik can love me, and I relate strongly to the message of this song. He chose to leave me in the most permanent way that a person can leave. I will never be able to sit down, look him in the eye, ask questions, and hear his answers. I can’t punch him in the face for the hurt that his suicide caused our children and myself. Most of all, I can’t feel his physical arms around me, hugging me while hearing his human voice, telling me that it wasn’t my fault.

Yes, I feel his presence and experience a continued relationship with him, which I am so very grateful for; my heart is no longer broken. However, sometimes I just allow myself to feel what I am feeling. Today I am feeling sad and missing him, but most days I am happy and peaceful.

A Tip That Has Helped Me:

I allow myself to feel what I am feeling. I give myself time and space to just feel. This is something I will always be grateful for, the feeling no matter what it is is better than the numbness that I found myself in at a time in my life. I know that when I allow myself to feel all of the emotions that come up, it is a way of processing through things that are working their way out of me and helping me to continue to learn and grow. I speak to myself in the way that I speak to someone else I love when they are going through a challenging time.