Being Present
Photo by Lynette Garden
Death Is Not The End
I got the tattoo pictured above, after I got out of one of the most difficult relationships I have ever been in. I was very hurt and angry with myself for a lot of reasons. I knew, and still know how lucky I am to have had the relationship that I did with Erik; it was so fulfilling, and I can’t even describe in words what it means to me.
I had talked to some men, and even dated and engaged in relationships at different levels, with men after Erik’s passing. I always strive not to compare other men to Erik, because I know that comparison is not healthy. After having disappointing experience after disappointing experience, I decided to get this tattoo. Even though I was hurt by my experiences with these other men, I was really only disappointed in myself, because I just felt like a failure that I couldn’t make things work.
I talked to my tattoo artist and told him what I had in mind for the tattoo: my connection with Erik continues on. His elemental sign is fire, mine is water, hence the colors on our respective sides, my favorite flower is an orchid which is on his side, and I chose the camelia flower for Erik on my side because of the symbolism of deep love. The woman represents me still here in this life, and a skull represents Erik since he has passed. The separation between the two sides is because he is not still here with me physically. It represented to me at that time, that we are still two parts of a whole, and we are still evolving in our relationship.
Progress Always Looks Different
I remember when I went in to get the tattoo started, and my tattoo artist, Don, showed it to me for the first time. I was so mesmerized; so very drawn to it. That is one of my favorite parts of getting my tattoos, letting my artist know what I have in mind and why; I love the unveiling of what they have created for me. I didn’t know why I was so drawn to it, because really, when I looked at this woman, she looked nothing like me.
I am speaking of this now, because it keeps coming to my mind; the fact that no matter where I am, no matter what I am struggling with, and learning about, I am always met where I am at. Something I have noticed is that in every given moment, what helps me take my next step into understanding, that touches me at a very deep level, and at the time, I feel will always resonate with me can change.
I am learning that as I continue to learn and grow, my mind and heart expands. I know without a doubt at this point, that I have so many Divine Helpers working with me on, and for my behalf. I love to see the creative ways they reach and teach me. I love to watch the unfolding of how they work things out on my behalf. I was raised to work hard and to fight for what is right . Now I understand that when I put my energy into being and staying in flow of Love, that things work out so seamlessly, which has led me to live with a much greater amount of peace.
Living Every Day Like It Is My Last
Because I am not a very visual person, something that came later for me with this tattoo, is a visual image of what I imagine my highest self to look like. It was a gift given to me when I sat in a room and a facilitator asked everyone to close our eyes, and conjure up an image or scene of some sort; this is something that I struggle with most of the time. Times that I have a visual image come to me, or a scene play out in my mind, it is always unexpected. It always happens naturally when I am not trying so hard. For me, what comes often and most naturally are thoughts that come to my mind, and deep internal feelings.
A few months before Erik’s passing, a song I had listened to many times, played for me. At that time, it really impressed me strongly, and that song was, ‘Love Me Like There’s No Tomorrow’ by Trace Adkins. Because of the unpredictability of Erik’s health issues, I had become more scared that he was going to be taken away from me, so I began to pull away from him out of this fear—I didn’t even realize I was doing this. Erik actually noticed it, and came to me to tell me that he had noticed this change. I was so worried and scared, but I didn’t talk to him about it, I just became quieter until he asked me about how I was feeling, and we talked about it. When I heard this song, I made a playlist in my phone called ‘Erik’, and this was the first song added to his playlist. It was a wake up call to me, because I knew inside that if he were to be taken from me, why wouldn’t I take the opportunity to love him in every moment like it would be our last. A lot happened during that time, and I didn’t always do this, but I made a better effort than I ever had before.
Recognizing Personal Greatness In Every Moment
This morning, the song ‘Til You Can’t’ by Cody Johnson, showed up as a suggestion for me; when I listened to it, the lyrics hit me hard. I continued to listen to it again and again. The greatest amounts of progress I have made since the passing of Dan and Erik, has been my dedication to live every moment to the fullest, and to stay present in every moment, because I believe that the present moment is all that I have.
How grateful I am for the Divine Helpers I have, to always meet me where I am at; to reach me so I can get the message that I need in every moment. This is how I continue to learn and grow in the ways that are perfect for me. I hope that you too can love yourself, and know that you have your own Divine Helpers with you, always knowing the perfect ways to reach and teach you, to bring the greatest amount of happiness in your journey.
A Tip That Has Helped Me:
When I hear something or see something that reminds me of one of my departed loved ones, I get quiet and see what comes to my mind. I usually write these things down. This has helped me to feel close to them and know they are still with me and are helping me. Sometimes I get a message clear as day that is undeniable but most of the time when I take the time to sit down and write what comes to me, the message takes me to a place that I didn’t expect and there is always such a sense of great peace and love for me.
