Hope

Photo by Yaoqi

Finding My Hope Again

I felt like I was sleepwalking through my life once things started to calm down in my life, after I had left a job that was draining me, my dad had recovered from his stroke to a state of more stability, and Erik was stabilized and hadn’t had a seizure in over a year. After everyone and everything I was worried about didn’t warrant worry anymore, I experienced complications after a routine and common surgery. There were a few weeks before, and a couple of months after the surgery that I couldn’t do very much because of the intense pain and then recovery.

Because I was focusing so much of my time and energy on other things, I thought I had dealt with my grief and trauma over finding Dan after his suicide, but I hadn’t. I dealt with it by staying extremely busy and taking care of a lot of other people, all while feeling very confused about my faith; I felt unsure about everything at that point. What I did know is that I had to get rid of the conflict in my life, so I left my job and took a step back from my religion. I felt like I was drowning in the darkness.

Then one day, I heard ‘The Light’ by Disturbed, and I couldn’t stop listening to it. Now when I listen to it, It describes perfectly what I was going through at the time. I felt like I was losing all hope. But, as I listened to this song, I heard the message that I could find light and hope again and it lit a spark of hope inside of me.

Letting My Hope Burn Brighter

As I had been contemplating why I had been deserted by God, I began to think about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and wondered that if it is just a part of a journey that we all have to go through; God leaving us so we can be refined in the fire. I remember this moment so clearly in my mind. Just as I was wondering that, the most comforting feeling of love washed through me and wrapped around me. Along with it came a thought along with the image of a hand bathed in the most beautiful bright white light. The thought was, “I have never left you, I have always had my hand offered to you but I will never force you to take it.”

That was when I got a glimmer of light inside of me, it was like the strike of a match, that light didn’t stay for very long, it could only burn until the wood is gone, unless I dropped it on something that would catch and make a bigger fire. I wasn’t ready for that yet. I was still more comfortable in the darkness of my life at that time, but it did begin working in me slow and steady. Shortly after that, I accepted a flashlight that held the light for a longer period of time.

This was a time when I was able to explore each feeling, emotion, and belief and start to make sense of it. It has been my greatest gift because it has taught me how to get in touch with my inner knowing and learn who I am and what is right and works for me.