Definitions

Photo by Richard Lee

The Weight Of Our Words

Definitions have been on my mind a lot lately. As I have put my time and energy into living my best life and embracing peace and joy by accepting the light of Love into my life, I have realized that my definitions of many things have changed. Here are some memories that have come to me that I would like to share with you.

During my marriage to Erik, it seemed like there was always some sort of struggle that we had to work through. Some of them were intense, and I know we both had times when we wondered if we wanted to keep working on our marriage. We had quite a strange dynamic in some ways. Whenever one of us would get to what felt like our breaking point, the other would communicate the issue and we would have a conversation to work things out. To me, that was what marriage was supposed to be, we were very in tune with each other. Sometimes it was a blessing, other times it felt like too much.

After we had a couple of kids and they got a little older, Erik would promise something to the kids and then not follow through, which caused a lot of disappointment and discouragement in the kids. I remember when I talked to him about it, I asked him to stop making promises if he wasn’t sure he could keep them, as it was really hard on the kids. He was surprised and didn’t think it was that big of a deal. To me, when I promise something, I follow through—it was the way I was raised. He explained to me that it was just a word to him. He did mean it when he said it but didn’t think it was a big deal if it didn’t happen, because that was how he was raised. All it took was to have that conversation and he stopped doing that.

Difference in Definitions

I have dated and had a couple of relationships since Erik’s passing, and the last one ended very badly. It was a very rude awakening for me. It started out very well and was filled with many great experiences. As time went on, we grew further and further apart. It became clear pretty quickly that our perspectives and definitions were very different. The first big rift in this relationship was when he was upset about something someone said, and made the comment that the person made him angry. I made the comment that no one can make you angry, it is a choice to be angry; this escalated his upset. I shared this because once I realized that I had a choice whether or not to be angry, it was very eye-opening for me and helped me.

As time went on, we drifted further and further apart. Towards the end of the relationship, he would say to me, “I wish you knew how much I love you.” I would think to myself that I learned what love was to him and I didn’t want any part of it. For him, if I did things the way he liked and accepted that his ways were best, that is when he felt loved by me. I believe that love is internal in each and every person. For me, a healthy love is to be able to live in a way that brings me peace and happiness while allowing others to do the same. It broke my heart and wasn’t easy to walk away because I knew he was trying as hard as he knew how according to his beliefs. We had just come to a point that our beliefs and desires grew too far apart to be conducive to a happy and healthy relationship, which led us to part ways.

Opening Up To The Power Of Love

I have lived most of my life trying to receive love from others by shaping myself in the ways that they said pleased them. What I found was that no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough. It wasn’t until I changed my definition of Love to understand that I, and only I have the power to choose to be happy and follow the desires of my heart. I also stopped asking others to act in a certain way for my comfort and to please me. This is how love has grown in my life.

A Tip That Has Helped Me:

As I feel that beliefs I have held in the past are no longer serving me, I really put my focus and energy into becoming clear about why, and how to move forward. Sometimes I know right away, and it is easy to change and accept my new definitions. Other times, it is a process for me that takes a lot of research, time, and work to decide what I believe. The time, effort, and willingness to be open to redefining beliefs that feel in alignment with my inner peace is always more than worth it for me.